Rant

“You’re a child you will do as I say.”

Hang on a minuet I wasn’t a child when you were pestering me to get a job or revise for exams, I wasn’t a child when I needed to look after my brother while you were at work, I wasn’t a child when I had to open a bank account or when I had to pay for my own things.

Being a child doesn’t stop and start when you please, I know I am not a child I know I have my responsibilities but, last time I checked I was only a small anxious, self-conscious 16-year-old. Don’t forget that you are a parent and you still have the responsibility to look after me and provide for me. Responsibility doesn’t stop and start when you want it to. When I have panic attacks, it is not because I’m over reacting or making myself stressed, it is something I cannot control they come and go as they please and I try my best not to have them and to keep them suppressed but, how can I with your constant arguing. I am and will never be good enough I am always doing something wrong all I can do is apologise but how can I when every time I speak what I say is wrong. You wonder why I’m so shy with you but my friends say I’m chatty, it’s because I’m scared to say the wrong thing, I’m scared to disappoint you. All I want is for you to be proud of me but how can I when I don’t know how to make you proud. One slip up and I’m back at the bottom.
Work hard, revise and do as you say all year but one bad grade on a test that doesn’t mean anything and I’m back to being a disappointment. I broke my phone and I’m a money waster all I’m good for is spend your money.

 

This is just a rant I had to type up when I was having a panic attack thought I would share it with you guys. I find it helps to get all my thought down in writing, not to sure why but I you suffer from panic attacks then try it out.

Enjoy life and make the most of all the other stuff!

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Four minutes

Sunday 12:36 PM
I’m sorry. I love you. x
Read 12:40

Dear Lisa,

The things you can do in four minutes:
• Eat food
• Sing a song
• Go for a run
• Drink a glass of water
• Send a text
• Clean up
• Sleep
If only I were there for you then we could be having our usual Monday evening coffee. But no, I am sat alone at home wondering where it went wrong, listening to your favourite song on repeat and eating ice-cream out of the tub (the way we used to when we cried over Sam or Dean dying in Supernatural even though we knew that there was a 99.9% chance they would come back).
I spent those four minutes tying my shoelaces, putting on my coat and running to yours as fast I could. You spent them four minutes probably wondering where I was, thinking you weren’t good enough and ….
killing yourself.
I don’t think if by putting this letter underground with your rotting body you will be able to read it but just in case you can I want you to know I love you and you have nothing to be sorry for, if anyone should be sorry it is me.

Miss you always,
love from your best friend x

Hope you enjoyed my short story and my apologies for disappearing for ages I have been a very busy bee. If you think you have a good picture to go with this post or a logo for me please send it to lifetalksandotherstuff@hotmail.com, thank you.
Enjoy life and make the most of all the other stuff!